saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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