wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
