tell your sister to shave her snatch
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
