On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
