I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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