I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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