the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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