Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
