I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
