She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
God I need to hump something, right now.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
