someone get that fucking seahorse.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
meet me or not, i'm out of control
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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