I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
