i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
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Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
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As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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