I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
