I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
