Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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