remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize