Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
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If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
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A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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