my sisters under your porch take her home
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
