i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
