I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
