I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
