Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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