the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
