if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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