The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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