THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
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I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
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I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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