Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
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