chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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