We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
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