So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
