i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
