bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
