I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
