I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
