I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
