just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
