I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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