New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
