dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
