Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
