there's paper in my vomit.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Randomize
