respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
