i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
