he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
