my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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