Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
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We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
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He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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