I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
