life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm lost and stupid without you.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Pants are for mortals
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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