Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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