did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
