he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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