What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
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Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
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well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I think weed is turning my hair brown
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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