i need an iv and a liver transplant
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
